Boundaries: Say No to What You Don't Want

Six years ago, I heard my teacher Mary Hulnick say something that changed my life: "Having what you want in your life is largely a function of saying no to what you don't want."

Truer words, I have never heard.

We each have only a finite amount of time, energy and focus, and when we give it to things that we don't really want, there's no space in our lives for what we do want to show up. We need to start drawing boundaries in order to invite our desires.

So here we are, say, on a Saturday afternoon. We have no plans for the evening. What we really want is to spend a fun evening in a hip restaurant with a group of smart, positive friends. Unfortunately, they aren't knocking on our door. Here's what is available: dinner and a movie with a co-worker who can't stop complaining about her ex-husband.

Most of us, with an intention of being a good person, will say yes to a date with the co-worker. We're not doing anything better, after all, and she could use some support. If we needed to vent about someone who'd done us wrong, we'd hope people would show up for us, right?

Wrong. Spending an evening with this co-worker completely undermines our intentions and pushes away what we want. On future Saturdays, groups of fun friends will continue to be unavailable.

What's more, when the time comes that we have an ex-husband or someone else to vent about, the best we will get is someone who doesn't want to spend time with us but will because they have nothing better to do!

It's even harder when what's in front of us is almost what we want but not quite. The Universe has a habit of doing this to us. This car is perfect except it doesn't have the sun roof. This job is perfect except I wouldn't have my own office. This date is perfect except that he was 15 minutes late to pick me up.

• Do you want the car with the sun roof? Say no to this one!
  
• Do you want the great job with your own office? Say no to this one!
  
• Do you want a guy who's on time? Say no to the one who isn't!

It's the Universe's way of checking in with us. Do you really want what you want? Or will you say yes to less?

Saying no is challenging at first. We feel guilty. We believe that there will always be something; if it's not the sun roof, it'll be the color that's off. We think a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. We doubt that what we want actually exists in its wholeness, and we do the settle-for-less dance. We were programmed this way to save us from disappointment.

The great news is, the programming is wrong! We can have what we want in its wholeness! Whatever we can imagine that fills us with fullness and joy, we can create it! Those two birds in the bush will fly straight to us and perch lightly on our outstretched finger. All we need to do is believe it and show a touch of patience.

The Universe LOVES it when we say no to what we don't want. As soon as we do, the fun friends come a-knockin', the perfect car becomes available for less money, and your next date is on time. And brings flowers.

Don't just take my word for it. Experiment. Say no to something that's less than what you want. Hold the vision of what you want in the pause that follows, and then watch the magic happen!

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for. "
— Maureen Dowd

©2008 Karen Romine, all rights reserved.

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