Topics:
Couples Therapy
"Irrational" Fear
Angry Boyfriend
Perfectionism
Paying for Therapy
Letting Go of Regret
Boundary Pushers
Cheating Boyfriend
Boss Is a Jerk
What's Spiritual Psychology?

with your psychological and relational questions, and Karen will post an answer here. (Your questions may be edited for clarity and to remove identifying information.)

Question: I want my husband to come to couples therapy but he refuses. Two of my girlfriends have the same problem. Why are men so reluctant, and what can I do to get him to come?

Karen Says: There are many possibilities here, but I'll talk about two I find most common.

The first possibility is that your husband has the power in the relationship and is misusing it. Many men were socialized to behave badly in relationships, even though they're good guys. If this is the case, then he probably knows he's misusing the power and he doesn't want the boat rocked by a third party calling him on it. Or he's ashamed. Either way, it's a stalemate. Traditionally, this is why people (therapists included) believe men are reluctant to come in, and I have met some of these couples, but not as many as you might think.

I actually see more of the second possibility: that you are actually the one misusing the power in the relationship, and he feels that you want a therapist to help solidify your position as queen. Therapists, whether male or female, are usually regarded as women-supporting-women (at least, this is what male therapists tell me). I can't tell you how shocked many women are to find themselves being called on their "stuff" when they thought I was going to be "on their side." Officially, I side with the truth. I side with the health of the relationship, which will sometimes lie with you on a particular issue and sometimes with your partner.

So, if you want to bring your partner to therapy, be ready for anything. Ask yourself if you really want the relationship to improve or if you're just looking for backup for your position, because you may be the one called on to change first in the process of creating a healthy dynamic.

And if that possibility is fine with you, but your partner still refuses to participate, you need to ask yourself some tough questions, such as: How important is it to you that things improve? Are you willing to walk away if your partner won't budge? Why is it OK to be with a partner who isn't willing to take responsibility for their part in the relationship? Why is he/she held to different standards than you are?

(I recommend Terrence Real's book The New Rules of Marriage as a primer on this subject.)

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Question: I need to make a presentation to my boss's bosses at work. It's about a project I managed that the company is really thrilled with—the presentation is basically an excuse for them to meet me and tell me how great they think I am. So why am I still so afraid?

Karen Says: Great question. Because your fear is not actually about the bosses at all.

Most of the time when we feel that little nagging fear, it's saying, "Something will happen and you won't know what to do." We're pretty used to this, and our minds try to help by anticipating problems, preparing, rehearsing, etc. (little of which is actually useful in the end).

But in a case like this, it becomes clear that something's off. There's little chance of an actual outward problem. Nothing to prepare a defense against. So why are you still afraid? I'll tell you my theory.

When fear whispers that "you won't know what to do," it isn't what will happen outwardly, or what other people will think or do, that really scares us. It's what WE will think or do. Said another way, we aren't nearly as afraid of what others or the world will do to us as we're afraid of what we will do to us.

It's how we will judge ourselves, how we will decide we're idiots, how we will think we should have known something, and how we will conclude that "not knowing what to do" confirms our deepest, darkest fear—that we are unforgivably flawed, totally unlovable and absolutely unworthy of the air we breathe.

Whew! Those are some high stakes. No wonder you're nervous.

The good news is that we have power over whether what we fear ever comes to pass. We can't predict events in the outer world, but we can declare that no matter what happens out there, we won't turn against ourselves inwardly. We won't judge ourselves. We won't decide we're idiots. We won't blame ourselves for not being superhuman. And we will never believe that most wicked of all lies, that we are unworthy.

We can simply refuse. Say it with me, "I refuse to be mean to myself, no matter what happens." Or, for you affirmative-language nazis, "I promise to be understanding and loving with myself, no matter what happens."

It isn't always this simple, of course. Sometimes our survival is actually threatened, although in this day & age, that's genuinely rare. Other times, it provokes survival-level terror from past traumas. This is what therapy is for.

So, no matter what your fear, there's hope & healing available. You're not a helpless victim. Isn't that good news?

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Question: My boyfriend is a great guy: good-looking, with a great job, and my family & friends love him. I love him, too, except he can be really mean sometimes and loses his temper once in a while. He's never hit me—I wouldn't put up with that—but he scares me sometimes. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Karen Says: I'd need to know more about both of you to really answer your question. For instance, are you someone who can't tolerate any expression of anger, or any hint of confrontation? If so, you may be overreacting based on your own issues. On the other hand, your boyfriend may have rage issues; it's not uncommon, nor is it insurmountable, if he has some willingness to get a handle on it.

One thing I will say is this: you cannot love someone you're afraid of without damaging yourself. It's a subtle, constant self-betrayal. I encourage you to address this in couples counseling—again, if he's willing. If not, you'd benefit from individual therapy. I believe you could make progress on this issue within just a few sessions. First, you have to decide it's important enough. My opinion: it is.

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Karen Says: You are being held back, indeed, but not by the people in your life. Sorry. The culprit is an insidious little bugger known as Perfectionism. How long has Perfectionism been with you? Many of us have been hosting this unwanted guest since grade school or before.

There are lots of ways it may have gotten in. One theory says that in the reward-for-good-behavior model that many public schools use (particularly when we were kids), "good kids," rather than just avoiding punishment as the system intended, became disturbed by the absence of praise. Terrified, even. Being good enough became unacceptable.

Another way Perfectionism gets in the door is through the chaos. If you grew up in a household where daily life (read: Mom or Dad's moods) was unpredictable and frightening, you may have developed Perfectionism as a self-soothing mechanism. Rigidity and self-control started to feel like control, period.

You're not alone. Many people suffer its slings & arrows, including, but not limited to: feeling like an imposter, sabotaging yourself, judging others harshly, judging yourself even worse, and feeling like you have to be what others want rather than who you really are. There's also the dizzying see-saw of feeling superior-inferior, superior-inferior. You're an eagle among turkeys, you're a turkey among eagles. It's really unpleasant.

But there is hope! With some therapeutic effort, including cultivating self-compassion, developing the ability to evaluate rather than judge, practicing play and curiosity in place of pushing an agenda, and shifting the underlying beliefs, getting free of Perfectionism is possible.

And from this inner work, the outer habit of judging and blaming others will dissolve on its own. Your relationships will be much easier and more fun, and this makes everything feel better.

As you might guess, this isn't a personality pattern that can be handled alone. It's a bit too clever, it knows you too well, and you're a bit too comfortable with it, for any real change to happen without help.

As a perfectionist, you probably hate asking for help, I know, but it's worth it. Having a competent therapist, coach, teacher or spiritual guide to walk through this with you is a clear must.

[For a quick overview of this pattern and guidelines for shifting it, have a look at this PDF handout on Perfectionism I put together.]

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Karen Says: I relate to your question! Years ago, I talked to my own therapist about this very issue, and I found her take on it very helpful.

She said that a huge part of the service she provided was being a person who lived entirely outside my life. She was not subject to the same dynamics, codes, values, shared myths or other unconscious pulls and pressures that I lived with each day in my particular world, and as an outsider to my world, she could provide a fresh perspective— a perspective which I hopefully could trust had no agenda other than my well-being.

This answer also addresses how sometimes speaking with your friends and family members about your thoughts and feelings doesn't always feel "clean"; no matter how people try to be impartial (if they do), there's a dynamic in place that will keep them from providing objective support. Maybe it's an opinion they have about your life or how they want you to change. Maybe it's an opinion about another player in the story. Maybe they want to "save you" from making mistakes they think they made, or from pain that they think you can't handle. Maybe it's a concern about how your actions will affect them, externally or internally, since we all derive validation from having our own values mirrored to us. There are myriad possibilities. We're human. Our lives are entangled. That's just how it works.

Coming from another world doesn't make your therapist completely immune to having an agenda, but we are trained to keep it in check and hopefully succeed at that most of the time. Even when it gets in there, though, the simple fact of hearing another perspective hopefully frees you up to come up with a perspective entirely your own. That's the idea!

Finally, the way I've come to see it, in paying for therapy, my clients pay for my time and only my time. Whatever else I offer—expert knowledge, insight, ideas, wisdom, caring, listening, even dumb jokes and those lovely moments when I stick my foot in my mouth... those are all free. They can't be charged for. My time, however—that we can do business with.

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Question: I feel so stuck and don't know how to move forward. There are so many times in my life when I made wrong choices and took the safe roads and all the regret is weighing on me. I know it's ridiculous, and I'm only 41, but I feel like my life has passed me by. How can I get out from under it all?

Karen Says: You're in a very tender and painful place, and I acknowledge you for reaching out. The energy where you find yourself feels very stagnant, indeed, but there are many ways to start moving it and freeing yourself up to move forward.

A first step is to take one of those past situations that you regret and admit to yourself that you don't know how things could have been different.

We are often trapped in memories by a belief that if we'd just changed one thing about our behavior, everything would have been better. But it isn't true at all! If you'd done even one thing differently, it would have had a ripple effect. All kinds of parallel occurrences would have shifted and the possibilities are endless for what may have happened next. You don't know.

For example, imagine having to wait before pulling out of your parking space because a moving truck has blocked you in. If only you'd parked further down the street rather than squeezing into that spot that was really too tight the night before! Then you would have been able to pull out and wouldn't have been late to that meeting or interview and may have gotten the job, etc., etc.

What you can't know is that if you'd parked down the street and driven away on time, you would have been in a different place among different cars on the freeway, and your presence at that spot among those cars at that moment would have caused a fatal pile-up that would have cost you, and many others, much more than that job which you didn't want anyway, by the way.

You can't know! Yes, it's a remote possibility that would have required a hundred other things to synchronize also, but isn't that how everything happens in life? Our parents' meeting required the same kind of synchronization, and that worked out!

We simply aren't in control, and that's OK. Something much greater and smarter and kinder than us IS.

Shifting out of your stuckness and regret is helped by deciding that you were doing your absolute best at the time (whatever time or situation you pick) and trusting that the Universe gave you the best outcome that was available.

And in fact, you did a tremendous job in the past! You were younger, less experienced, scared and not sure what to do, but you made decisions and tried things out and dealt with the consequences. You survived! You overcame things! You became a sensitive, humble, caring person who appreciates the beauty and wonder of life. (Yes, I can tell all that about you from your question.) Excellent work!

It only takes courage and a little self-compassion to make hindsight your friend. And with that, moving into the future is easier, safer and much more fun.

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Question: My boss' wife cornered me at a retirement dinner talking politics. I changed the subject twice and yet she persisted, and I ended up being somewhat rude, which is disappointing. What should I have done?

Karen Says: You had an encounter with a Boundary Pusher — not your last, I'm afraid.

Boundary Pushers count on others to be bound by common politeness, thereby giving them the freedom to ask inappropriate questions and push your buttons without fearing you'll shut them down. They do it quite unconsciously. It's a personality trait that has to do with seeking interpersonal power because they feel powerless themselves. There are people who do it consciously, too, but they have other names that wouldn't be polite to mention. Boundary Pushers, as I use the label, refers to the "innocent" ones.

Of course, their campaigns don't feel innocent. I encourage you not to blame yourself for getting triggered — it's hard not to. A solution, though, is simply becoming aware that someone is pushing your boundaries and then holding them.

Holding boundaries is not something we were taught in high school, nor in most families, so it takes practice. Direct communication is required, something like, "I'm not willing to go into that right now," or "I'm not willing to answer that right now," and then changing the subject. The more practice you get, the easier it becomes to be kind and gracious in the process.

The trap (so well exploited by the Boundary Pushers) is that direct communication can be regarded as impolite, but that's only true when you aren't nice about it.

The key is to avoid getting upset. It's tempting to want to make them wrong for pushing your boundaries, as though they aren't supposed to make you hold them. Sorry, but holding your boundaries is your job, not anyone else's.

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Question: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. Should I confront him?

Karen Says: First, let me say that I can appreciate the struggle you're in. It's terribly painful having this kind of uncertainty and fear in your relationship. Be kind to yourself as you sort this out.

Simple questions are often deceptively complex, as in this case. Unfortunately, your question is not one I can answer, though I can ask a few clarifying questions.

Does he have a history of this behavior? If so, how did you respond? Do you have a history of the experience in other relationships? Why do you "think" he's cheating? Have you come across evidence? Is it a gut feeling? What does the word "confront" mean to you? What is your ideal outcome in a confrontation?

[How many others have you asked this question? What is the answer you've been wanting to hear? That's probably the answer, waiting inside you for reflection and validation from others.]

Most importantly, what has stopped you from asking him about it already? Whether or not your boyfriend has gone outside your relationship (whether physically or emotionally), your hesitation to approach him speaks of mistrust, both in him and yourself.

Relationships are crippled without trust. I encourage you to ask yourself if you can trust him to listen to you and honor your feelings on a subject that is very important to you, even if it's hard for him.

If so, engage him in a conversation, sharing your thoughts without accusing him. See what happens. Trust yourself.

If not, that's an answer in itself. If it doesn't feel emotionally safe to open a conversation, don't. Take care of yourself.

In any case, be sure to seek support from your family & friends. Good luck.

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Question: Why is my boss such a jerk? Even when people are cool and try to be accepting of him, he's mean, pompous and overreactive and makes everyone hate him. It doesn't make any sense. Talking to him does no good. What should I do?

Karen Says: From your point of view, his behavior doesn't make sense, but it would make perfect sense to you if you knew his inner experience. Everything everyone does makes sense based on their experiences, beliefs, fears, values and expectations. We may not know why your boss takes his position, but we can count on the fact that he's trying to protect himself from rejection, expressing low (or non-existent) self-esteem, or reacting to fear borne of some past experience. Perhaps when he was much younger he was blindsided by the betrayal of a seemingly "cool" co-worker. Who knows?

But one thing's for sure: people who behave this way are hurting. That said, it's no excuse for the behavior and it's no reason to subject yourself to abuse. If working for him isn't good for you, look for something better. As my former teacher, Mary Hulnick, says, "Having what you want in your life is largely a function of saying 'No' to what you don't want."

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Question: Your bio says you studied Spiritual Psychology. What is that? Do I have to be religious to work with you?

Karen Says: Thanks for asking! Spiritual Psychology is a new field that takes some of the best of existing psychological theories and adds the assumption of a compassionate, loving universe. It recognizes that we are not human beings trying to be spiritual; we are spiritual beings trying to be human.

In my usage, spirituality is an inner experience and religion is an outer experience. For some, there is a great deal of beneficial overlap. For others, usually due to early religious training that was at best unpleasant and at worst traumatic, the two cannot coexist.

If a person is interested in this area, discovering and exploring his/her spirituality can be very healing psychologically. I find that many mental and emotional issues have spiritual components and shift or dissolve when this is brought to awareness.

I feel strongly that each individual has a different inner compass, and so his/her interest in, and experience of, spirituality will be different. Only you know what is spiritual for you, and I honor your pace, interest and self-knowledge in the process of exploring.

That said, it's not a requirement at all! I am also heavily influenced by the postmodern theories and have found healing and empowerment through these approaches as well. The inner compasses, both my clients' and my own, guide our work more than adherence to any particular label or school of thought. And the good news is, inner compasses usually point to fun and freedom!

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